The Sword Of Presence
The question, “I have no idea what I want from my life,” looks like the beginning of the place of not knowing, which is good. “I have low self-esteem,” indicates that you have the awareness that you have low self-esteem. “I get defensive easily,” again, this indicates that you know that you get defensive; the question is… in the moment of getting defensive do you know that you’re getting defensive, or do you just know it afterwards? “I’m rarely content or grateful,” is a good self-observation, too. “My thinking is so negative,” is another good piece of self-knowledge. You can ask, in this moment, what other thoughts are going through my head?
If you apply this awareness to the present moment when these things arise – defensiveness, low self-esteem and anxiety — you’ll see that certain repetitive thoughts in the mind are the voice in the head that tells you – this is low self-esteem. There might be certain emotions that go with the thoughts, but the basis for low self-esteem is the thoughts that you tell yourself about your low self-worth. Perhaps, the low self-esteem started in childhood – it often happens to people whose parents are very critical or tell them they are never good enough. It might have started there; it’s a conditioned way of thinking.
The awareness that’s already present needs to be there in the moment when these thoughts arise — to recognize them as thoughts — and then, you are no longer completely trapped in what these thoughts are saying. In other words, your sense of being is not in the thought anymore; it is in the awareness of the thought. To use an analogy, the vastness of the sky is your awareness and the clouds are your thoughts.
Remain the sky (the awareness) and allow the clouds (the thoughts) to come and go. You are the awareness behind the thoughts. This applies to any kind of negative thinking – it arises, you recognize it as automatic– it’s a thought. You are the awareness that knows this (low-self esteem) is a negative thought pattern. This way you are no longer feeding the conditioned thinking, so you are taking your identity out of thinking and no longer renewing old patterns.
If your awareness can grow, which means deepen, because it’s already there to some extent – then those conditioned patterns will diminish and get transmuted.
The key is your awareness. When awareness deepens all those patterns mentioned will weaken. There’s already a considerable amount of awareness in this. The awareness isn’t the person, but it’s deeper than the person. You apply the awareness to the present moment when things arise, but not in some abstract way, for example, “Will I ever become a person who is not negative? I can’t get rid of my patterns,” that doesn’t matter; this moment is what matters. So just apply your awareness to this moment; you can’t change things into mental constructs – “How can I change, I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore?” Forget it! This moment is where you apply Presence. “The sword of Presence that cuts through time.”
