Dropping Your Need For Validation
Bearing in mind that this approval-seeking behavior is an ingrained auto-response, this isn’t going to be a quick fix.
But the following steps will allow you to understand and then gradually change your perspective as you develop self-respect and drop your constant need for validation.
1. Analyze where it all began: More often than not, as discussed above, this behavior is rooted in early life.
Perhaps it’s related to parental influence or maybe you had difficulty making friends in school and became fearful of rejection as a result.
Taking the time to reflect on this period may help you identify the factors that caused your need to seek approval.
2. Let yourself accept the concept of rejection and criticism: Can you recall an occasion when you disappointed someone or failed to live up to their expectations?
Perhaps a superior rejected something you’d prepared, like a presentation or a project. Or maybe you failed to meet a crucial deadline.
Think about how you recovered the situation and consider what you learned from it. It’s likely that you gained more than you lost in terms of experience.
With that in mind, you can begin to appreciate disapproval and criticism as a form of feedback to help you grow and develop. It means you’re out of your comfort zone and moving forward.
3. Pledge to grow rather than merely exist with a fixed mindset: The idea here is to free yourself from the need for approval from third parties by prioritizing constant improvement and learning.
In her inspiring book Mindset (2006), the psychologist Carol Dweck noted that those who had a positive and striving attitude toward developing skills and ability were the most likely to reach their ultimate potential. She termed this a ‘growth mindset.’
Those with ‘fixed mindsets,’ on the other hand, who regarded feedback/criticism as a sign of failure or disapproval, would always be limited in their achievements.
If you can begin to understand that the sky is the limit for improvement, growth, and success, your constant need for the approval of others will become a distant memory.
4. It’s not all about the outcomes: You’re only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment if you pin all your hopes on a particular outcome over which you may have no control.
For example, you may be aiming for a raise and going all out to get it. The company may not be doing so well, however, and there may be no more money in the pot. So you’ll end up feeling worthless and lacking the validation you so desire.
Instead, it’s a better idea to concentrate on the ‘process’ rather than the outcome by making yourself indispensable through increased efficiency or organizational skills.
These improvements may get you noticed and could actually result in the salary hike you were hoping for.
Although it’s not a quick fix, the daily practice of mindfulness – focusing on the present moment – can help you to look toward achievable short term successes.
There’s plenty of advice out there on the subject of mindfulness, so take a look and see if you think it might help you become more self-accepting.
5. Believe that you have every right to be you – stand up for yourself!: If you want to ditch your own approval-seeking behavior, you need to understand that you are entitled to your own beliefs, thoughts, and opinions.
You may not have the same point of view as another person, but that doesn’t mean that either one of you is right or wrong.
You can respect the right of others to their own opinion, but you must also respect your own similar right.
They may argue convincingly, in which case it’s fine to change your view on the subject. However, you’re completely entitled to stick to your guns if they don’t. Your opinion is just as valid as any other person’s.
Tags: Don’t Seek Approval
