Don’t Compare
Jealousy is one of the most complex, intense, and unpleasant human experiences – and, as many of us have experienced, it can cause major rifts in our relationships. It’s human nature to feel jealous from time to time, but jealousy can poison love when we act out or wallow in it.
At its core, jealousy stems from insecurity and fear. Feeling insecure makes us incredibly vulnerable, and our internal systems typically do not react well to this experience. It causes our defenses to rise and distract us from addressing the emotional pain that lurks beneath. These defenses can show up as paranoia, snooping, comparing ourselves to others, obsessive thinking, being passive-aggressive, or engaging in accusatory behavior.
It’s important to understand that we act out in these ways because we think it will make us feel better, but more often it further entrenches our feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy—and becomes a huge influence in sabotaging our relationships. It also keeps us from dealing with the real issue—that we feel we are not good enough.
So, how can we start to break the jealousy cycle and reclaim self-control?
Explore the Root of Your Jealousy
Sometimes jealousy is justified, but it is more often irrational. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Does your response align with the situation? Is it stemming from a past hurt or traumatic experience? Remember that correlation does not always imply causation. Sometimes the cause of jealousy is not your partner but an internal experience that you have not dealt with. For example, if you have been betrayed in the past, it makes sense that you might carry those jealousy-triggering feelings into your new relationship and project them onto your partner. While your partner can reassure you and help you feel at ease if you experience jealousy within the relationship, it is your job to continue to explore your own internal issues and understand how they get triggered in relationships. The longer you prolong this work, the longer it takes to heal.
Don’t Compare
The tendency to compare ourself to others is as human as any other emotion. But it’s our responsibility to step back and evaluate how comparison often hinders more then it helps. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And its partner in crime is jealousy. Comparing yourself to other people’s lives and relationships adds no meaning or fulfillment to your own life; it only distracts from it. Some forms of comparisons lead to thoughts like, “How could he love me? I’m not as attractive as his ex.” Or, “I’m not as successful as she is, and once she realizes this, she will leave me.” These are really painful thoughts—but they have nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with your feelings about yourself. Comparison puts the focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. By comparing yourself to others, you are wasting precious time and energy on other people when you could be focusing on what you need to feel more whole.
Tomorrow I will continue on break the jealousy cycle and reclaim self-control?
Tags: Eliminate Jealousy
