Self-Talk
Misery-Maker 3: Thinking that mistakes, setbacks, and failures doom you for life.
Examples: “I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake.” “I guess I’ll never do anything right.” “I’m such a moron!”
Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you are—that we all are.
How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. “Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future.” “I’ll look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem.” This self-talk will help you develop a “growth mindset,” to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves.
Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can’t control.
Sometimes it’s easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. Realizing that you are helpless in a situation can often be more terrifying than the false but oddly comforting belief that you have control.
How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. Then ask yourself: “Was I really responsible for what happened?” “Is it really my fault that he didn’t ask me out again?” “Can I really control her drinking?” Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life.
Tags: Drop Self-Caused Suffering Find Your Own Path Self-Talk
