I have heard: A man arranged to pay for his wife’s funeral arrangements by installments, but after a few months he ran into financial difficulties and was unable to keep up the payments. Finally, the undertaker rang up one morning and said, “Look, either I get some money from you at once, or up she comes!”
Don’t create such a situation that one who loves you starts thinking of your death, one who would have liked you to be immortal starts hoping that you die, that it is better that you die.
Mulla Nasrudin is mad after movies. Every night he’s in the moviehouse, somewhere or other. One day the wife said, “I think that even if for one night you are at home, I will drop dead.” He looked at her and he said, “Don’t try to bribe me.”
Don’t create such a situation.
The wife of one of the club’s oldest and more revered members had recently passed away. His fellow members were offering their condolences, and one said, “It is hard to lose one’s wife….”
Another member muttered bitterly, “Hard? It is damned, near impossible!”
Nobody says this, but this is what people create – a very ugly situation. And I know that you are creating it unknowingly, and I know that you are creating it in the hope of just the opposite.
Sometimes it happens that the woman starts hitting the man just to break his coolness, just to break the ice. She wants him to at least be warm: “At least be angry, but be warm. Hit me back, but do something! Don’t stand there so aloof.” But the more you create such a situation, the more the man has to protect himself and go far away. By and by, he has to learn space travel, so that the body remains here and he goes off far away – astral travel.
These are vicious circles. You want him to be close, warm and hugging you, but you create such a situation in which it becomes more and more impossible. Just watch what you are doing. And this man has not done anything in particular to you. He has not harmed you. I know there are situations where two people don’t agree, but that is part of growth. You cannot find a person who is going to agree. totally with you. Particularly men and women don’t agree because they have different minds, they have totally different attitudes about things. They function from different centers. So it is absolutely natural that they don’t agree easily, but nothing is wrong with it. And when you accept a person and you love a person, you also love his or her disagreements. You don’t start fighting, you don’t start manipulating; you try to understand the other’s point of view. And even if you cannot agree, you can agree to disagree. But still, a deep, subtle agreement remains that, “Okay, we agree to disagree. On this point we will not be coming to an agreement – right – but there is no need to fight.” The fight is not going to bring you closer; it will create more distance. And much, almost ninety-five per cent of your quarrelling, is absolutely baseless; it is mostly misunderstanding. And we are so much fogged in our own heads that we don’t give an opportunity to the other to show his mind.
In this too women have become very, very afraid. The problem, again, is of the male and female mind. Man is more argumentative. This much women have learned: that if you go through argumentation, he will win. So they don’t argue, they fight. They get angry, and what they cannot do through logic, they do through anger. They substitute with anger, and of course, the man, thinking, “Why create so much trouble for such a small thing?” agrees. But this is not an agreement, and it will function as a block between the two.
Listen to his argument. There are possibilities that he may be right – because half of the world, the outer world, the objective world, has to be approached through reason. So whenever it is a question of the outer world, there is more possibility that the man may be right. But whenever it is a question of the inner world, it is more possible that the woman may be right because there, reason is not needed. So if you are going to purchase a car, listen to the man, and if you are going to choose a church, listen to the woman. But it is almost impossible. If you have a wife you cannot choose your car – almost impossible. She will choose it. Not only that, she will sit at the back and drive it.
Man and woman have to come to a certain understanding that as far as the world of objects and things is concerned, man is more prone to be right and accurate. He functions through logic; he is more scientific; he is more Western. When a woman functions intuitively she is more Eastern, more religious. It is more likely that her intuition will lead her to the right path. So if you are going to a church, follow your woman. She has a more accurate feeling for things which are of the inner world.
And if you love a person, by and by, you come to this understanding, and a tacit agreement arises between two lovers: who’s going to be right in what.
And love is always understanding.
Two monsters from outer space were walking along the street when they saw a traffic signal. “I think she likes you,” said the first monster. “One is winking at you.” Just then the signal changed from go to stop. “Just like a woman,” muttered the second monster, “can’t make up her mind from one moment to the next.”
It is very difficult for a woman to make up her mind because she is more fluid, more of a process, less of a solidity. That is her beauty and grace. She is more river-like, and goes on changing. Man is more solid, more square, more certain, decisive. So where decisions are needed, listen to Bodhi, Madhuri. And when decisions are not needed, but floating, drifting is needed, then you can help Bodhi to listen to you; and he will listen.
The feminine mind can reveal many mysteries, as the male mind can reveal many mysteries; but as there is a conflict between science and religion, so is the conflict between man and woman. One day it is hoped that man and woman will come to complement each other rather than conflict with each other, but that day will be the same day as when science and religion also complement each other. Science will listen with understanding to what religion is saying, and religion will listen with understanding to what science is saying. And there is no trespass, because the fields are absolutely different. Science moves outward, religion moves inward.
Women are more meditative, men are more contemplative. They can think better. Good; when thinking is needed, listen to the man. Women can feel better. When feeling needed, listen to the women. And both feeling and thinking make a life whole. So if you are really in love, you will become a yin/yang symbol. Have you seen the Chinese yin/yang symbol? Two fish are almost meeting and merging into each other in a deep movement, completing the circle of energy. Man and woman, female and male, day and night, work and rest, thinking and feeling: these are not antagonistic to each other, they are complementary. And if you love a woman or a man, you both are enhanced tremendously in your beings. You become complete.
That’s why I say that Hindu concepts of God are more complete than Christian, Jewish, Mohammedan, or Jaina concepts; but both are concepts. Mahavir stands alone; no woman is to be found anywhere around. It is just a male mind, alone; the complementary is missing. Only one fish is in the circle, the other fish is not there. It is a half circle, and a half circle is not a circle at all because to call a circle ‘half’ is almost absurd. A circle has to be full; only then is it a circle.
Otherwise, it is not a circle at all.
The Christian God is alone; no concept of female around Him. Something is missing. That’s why the Christian or Jewish God is much too male, revengeful, angry, ready to destroy for small sins, ready to throw people into hell forever – no compassion, very hard, rock-like. The Hindu concept of God is closer to reality; it is a circle. Ram you will see with Sita; Shiva you will see with Devi; Vishnu you will see with Laxmi – always the complementary is there. Hindu Gods are more human compared to other Gods, which are almost inhuman. Hindu Gods are almost as if belonging to you, just amidst you, just like you – more pure, more whole, but connected to you. They are not disconnected; they are connected to your life experience.
Let love be your prayer also. Watch! Watch the crocodile in you and drop it, because that crocodile will not allow you to flower in deep love. That will destroy you, and destruction never fulfils anybody.
Destruction frustrates. Fulfillment is only out of deep creativity.
A meek little man was just returning home from his wife’s funeral. As he arrived at his front door, a chimney pot fell off the roof of the house and gave him a sharp blow on the back. Glancing up he muttered, “Ah… she has arrived already.” Don’t create such images of you in the mind of one who loves you.
And man needs much from a woman to grow: her love, her compassion, her warmth. The Eastern understanding about man and woman is this: that a woman is essentially a mother. Even a small girl is essentially a mother, a growing mother. Motherhood is not something that happens as an accident, it is a growth in a woman. Fatherhood is just a social formality; it is not necessary. It is not natural, in fact. It exists only in a human society; man has created it. It is an institution. Motherhood is not an institution, fatherhood is. A man has no inner necessity to be a father.
When a man falls in love with a woman, he is seeking a beloved. When a woman falls in love with a man, she is seeking someone who will make her a mother. She is seeking someone who she would like to become the father of her children. That’s why when a woman tries to find a man her criterion is different; strong, because she will need protection and the children will need protection; rich, because she will need protection and the children will need protection. When a man is finding a woman, he is only concerned with wife. His concern is with a beautiful woman whom he can enjoy and be with. He’s not too concerned about being a father. If he becomes a father, that is accidental.
If he starts liking it also, that also is accidental, because he likes the woman and the children have come out of her. He loves the children through the woman, and the woman loves the man through the children. Of course, it has to be so; the circle becomes complete. A woman is essentially a mother, in search of being a mother.
So the Eastern concept is that the woman is in search of being a mother, and the man is in search, deep down, of finding his lost mother. He has lost the womb of the mother, the warmth of the mother, the love of the mother. He is searching again for the woman who can become his mother.
Man essentially is a child. Even the very grown-up seventy or ninety-year-old man is a child. And a very small girl essentially is a mother. This is how the circle completes.
In the East, in the days of the Upanishads, the seers used to bless new couples with a very absurd idea. It will look absurd to the Western eye. They used to say, “God should give you ten children, and finally, the ultimate fulfillment of becoming a mother to your husband also.” So in all, eleven children: ten children from the husband, and finally, the husband also becomes a child to you – eleven children. A woman is fulfilled when the husband also becomes a child to her.
Man goes on seeking his mother. When a man falls in love with a woman, he falls in love again with his mother. Somehow, this woman gives an idea of his mother. The way she walks, the face she has, the color of her eyes or the color of her hair, or her sound; something that gives the idea of the mother again. The warmth of her body, the care that she shows about him is a search for the lost mother. It is a search for the womb.
Psychoanalysts say that the male urge to penetrate the woman’s body is nothing but the urge to again reach to the womb. It is meaningful. The very effort of man to penetrate the woman’s body is nothing but an effort to reach the womb. Once you understand what is happening between your energy and your man’s energy, what is really going on, watch it. By and by, the energy will start falling in a circle.
And help each other. We are together to help each other, to make each other happy and blissful, and finally, to give an opportunity through the meeting of man and woman for God to happen. Love is fulfilled only when it becomes samadhi. If it is not samadhi yet and the nagging and conflict and bitching continues, and fighting and anger, and this and that, then your love will never become a harmonious whole. You will never find God, which can be found only in love.
Tags: Feeling And Thinking Patanjali
